Welcome!

We live in a world where at the press of a button, we can connect to the other side of the world. It’s remarkable how I can go on Facebook messenger, or facetime and speak with my loved ones back in the U.K but do we truly connect? My mother has told me on multiple occasions when I have felt homesick, to remember when people used to move hundreds of miles away fully knowing they didn’t have a way of easily speaking with those they love back home. It’s an easy thought, but it has never truly brought me solace. Different thoughts would cross my mind like how ignorance is bliss or just because we can facetime doesn’t make the process easier. Yet, she continues to remind me each time I say I miss home, that someone had it worse.

Is it selfish of me to miss home? To not feel like Facetime is equivalent to an in person conversation?

Even now, 8 months on from moving from the U.K. to the U.S.A I still don’t feel like this brings me any peace. I find myself thinking, was this move the right thing to do? Am I really happy here? Most of the time, I find myself answering yes, it was totally worth the move and it’s at times when I look into my husband’s eyes that it confirms it for me.

I met my husband 3 years ago, while he was on a study abroad program in Wales. We hit it off right away and continued our long-distance relationship before making the big move over here. He is my everything and supports me while I am studying to become a Registered Nurse in this little town. But again, knowing these things has never made the move over here any easier. I think I truly underestimated how much of an emotional roller-coaster this would be. My emotions change on a daily basis, dependent on what is going on 5000 miles away. Whether it is a birthday, funeral or Christmas. This year will be our first Christmas being physically together and we are spending it flying back to the U.K. for a surprise visit. You’d think I would be excited considering I have spent the majority of this post talking about missing home, but yet I’m not. Well, not completely.  

What they don’t tell you when your emigrating countries is how hard the first trip back affects you. Nobody prepares you for the mixed feelings and thoughts that go through your mind. I’ve told the people who know that we are visiting, not to post anything on social media because I knew I wouldn’t have time to see all of my friends and I know how much it would hurt, knowing I put seeing others above seeing them. Which feels awful because it’s not like I don’t care about them, it’s just that I don’t have the time! So that is the first emotion, a person needs to prepare for – GUILT.

Secondly, there is the fear that you have changed. It’s obvious that people change and grow as time goes on and 8 months is a long time. In the last 8 months, 2 friends have had children and my cousin has found out she is pregnant. My cousin and I have always been close. She has been like another sister to me, so to find out that she is pregnant, came with a weight of emotions. Not only have people had/having children, there is the fact that I am not the same. Since moving, I have put on an excessive amount of weight (that I am super self-conscious of). I DON’T look like me and that scares me. The thought that family or friends aren’t even going to recognise me, is a massive fear. Let’s not leave out the obvious one – people AGE. So that’s the second emotion, a person needs to prepare for – FEAR.

The third emotion is something that is a bit nicer to discuss, happiness. You are going to see your family again. Time has passed and I finally am getting to see my mother, brother, sister, gran, friends, cats etc after 8 long months! This must be the part that everyone likes to talk about, and video the reunion. It’s such an exciting time, to think that you will actually be able to have a conversation face-to-face. No worrying about whether your phone has battery. No having to stare at the celling because your mother doesn’t know how to facetime. No having to wait until you have signal to find out that your best-friend has had a baby. This is the part of visiting that everyone looks forward to. So that’s the third emotion, a person needs to prepare for – HAPPINESS.

The fourth emotion is something that happens before and after you arrive in your home country, sadness. This is the one that makes the trip a little less worth-while. Most people who can appreciate moving countries knows that sadness comes with leaving the ones you love. But what people don’t realise is that when you go home for a visit, you’re leaving the new loved ones. In my case, my husband’s family, my new friends and my cats. When going home for the holidays, people you need to understand that you are sacrificing one family for the other. My husband is giving up spending Christmas with his family, to spend it with yours. Luckily, his family have been the supportive ones in this venture, and actually bought us the plane tickets as an early Christmas present. But even though, they enabled us to go, it is still sad to not be spending the holidays with them and unfortunately, because my brother has learning difficulties and my gran is in her 90’s, my family wouldn’t be able to make the trip out here for Christmas. On top of the sadness from leaving my husband’s family for the holidays, is the sadness of leaving mine at the end of the trip. Every time I think about it, I pre-empt how I am going to feel, and I get an overwhelming sensation of sadness. It is saying goodbye over and over again and after doing that with my husband for 3 years, I can confidently say, it never really gets easier, you just get used to it. So that’s the fourth emotion, a person needs to prepare for – SADNESS.

The fifth emotion goes hand in hand with the last, anger. You feel angry with yourself that you have put yourself in this situation. It’s obvious, right? If you had never moved in the first place, you wouldn’t have to feel these emotions, or put your family through feeling it. You feel angry that you didn’t make the alternative choice and stay in your home country. It’s awful, and you feel guilt for feeling like this. It was your choice to move so why feel angry about it, it is because you wish you could just merge your two lives together and not have to go through this divide, feeling like you somehow managed to split yourself in two. This emotion does pass, eventually. But somehow manages to raise it’s ugly head whenever you feel like you are failing at your new life. So that’s the fifth emotion, a person needs to prepare for- ANGER.

Finally, there is some light at the end of the emotional tunnel, Acceptance. Not saying that the other emotions are ever going to completely go away, but you can accept that these are natural emotions to expect while living two lives. Things will finally start to fall back into place, and you realise that home follows you wherever you go. You accept that this was your decision and when I look at my husband, I truly think to myself I would go through it all again, for you. So that is the sixth emotion, a person needs to prepare for – ACCEPTANCE.

This isn’t a cumulative list of everything you are going to feel, visiting your home country for the first time but it sure as hell covers most of it.

-Tom JT